They Always Told Me I Used My Hands A Lot

The Onion Horoscope for the Week of January 10-16.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it's because you're deaf.

Maybe I should have been an Aries.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don't be alarmed: What you're suffering from is known as "food poisoning."