The Onion Horoscope for the Week of January 10-16.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it's because you're deaf.
Maybe I should have been an Aries.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don't be alarmed: What you're suffering from is known as "food poisoning."
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