The List

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - As promised, the blog is up and running again on January 8th. My computer has been back for a few days. Of course, there was the inevitable Vista cleansing that needed to occupy the first few days (Vista, you truly are crap).

In the interest of trying to update this thing quickly, we're going to ring in the New Year with a list. Let's see if this thing can encompass the things that have happened/things I have learned in the past three weeks or so of my life into one entry.

Ready? Go.

#1. Paul Bunyan stayed at the hostel.



What a big fella. He tried to stay at the hostel under an assumed name (Patrick or something obviously fake like that), but Chris and I were quick to discover who he really was. After that point, we made it our personal goal to call him by his given name as much as possible and make sure everyone else did the same. By the end of the week, he seemed a little frustrated when no one believed him about his "name" being something other than Paul Bunyan. I think it was the big blue ox that truly gave him away. His frustration grew until he left the hostel for a few days. In his absence, I started compiling a list on our daily "to do" board I maintain that was chock full of "Paul Bunyan Facts." Similar to Chuck Norris facts, except better (and Paul Bunyan hasn't sued me yet).

Upon his return, Paul realized the error in his selfish ways and truly embraced our appreciation for him. He reciprocated the appreciation by vomiting on two beds one night, partially spilling onto Danny W., and passing out on a third. Way to go, Paul.

Sadly, Paul has left us again and rode Babe onto other, boring lands (Sacramento, I believe). He said he would return, but this doesn't seem to be true. Damn you, you giant lumberjack!

P.S. Paul Bunyan is so popular, they even printed his picture in the newspaper under another assumed name (David Bazan) and called him a folk singer. Weird.



#2. As mentioned earlier, things got weird for a bit. Dave started walking around, looking like a combination of the Dude and Howard Hughes, decked out in a bathrobe and Kleenex boxes for shoes. His fingernails got quite long and he mumbled about contamination a lot.

Chris... well, he just kind of... um... just see for yourself...



And... um... there's more...



Luckily, both Dave and Chris were able to take vacations away from the hostel and the descent into madness has slowed considerably.

There's also a video or two of me around, including one featuring some robot dancing, but, unfortunately, the video is not accessible by me so it can't be posted.

I know, I know, I'm upset about it too.

#3. A strange fella who wore his crazypants extra large and baggy came through the hostel. Chris and I ran into him on the street one night and ended up having him tag along for the evening. We should have known it was bad news when I was bullshitting while we were waiting forever for a bus and casually mentioned that he should ask a guy for a ride who happened to be parked right next to us at the curb waiting for a girl. Our new friend instantly jumped at this suggestion and we almost ended up dealing with a car jacking. I only caught a bit on video and unfortunately missed all of the part where he was climbing into the car despite the driver telling him he wouldn't give him a ride. Whoops.



This guy ended up at our hostel the next night and only after lying about being kicked out of the previous hostel down the street for bringing homeless bums in with him after close to hang out for some druggin'. What a winner. He's not allowed back in our building anymore either.

#4. Within a matter of weeks, both the RZA and Wu-Tang had shows in town and I didn't make it to either. The RZA invited people out for tea after his as well. I'm still working through the heartbreak.

#5. Black squirrels do truly exist. Crap.



#6. I discovered Japantown in San Fran. A lot like Chinatown, except much nicer and much more expensive. Even for items that have "Made in China" stamped on the bottom.



#7. Gene Simmons has competition.



#8. Danny Wong was maybe the most laid back guest we've ever had at the hostel.



Paul Bunyan got some vomit on him in the middle of the night ('cuz he was being a drunk asshole) and Danny just got up, headed to the showers, and washed his hair. The next morning when I found out I gave Bunyan a good load of crap for it and far exceeded any sort of authority I actually have at the hostel by threatening to kick him out. I said to Danny that I would have punched Bunyan for that and he said it wasn't that big a deal. After I was finished laughing, I told Danny he was a hell of an optimist.

His reply?

"Well, I am a member of the Optimists Club."

#9. A little Dim Sum place in Chinatown has a Machine. Well, THE Machine to be precise. I don't actually know what The Machine does, but I like to imagine that it is some sort of Transmogrifier. Or perhaps just a Duplicator or Time Machine.



#10. Everyone gets excited about hostel Christmas parties. Everyone.



#11. We have a team of people still working on the difficult issue of deciding whether or not it is morally wrong to take a donut hole from someone who is asleep at the donut shop.



I'll let you know when we get it sorted out.

#12. Jeff may be a grown man, but that doesn't mean he should be allowed anywhere near a Scrabble board. He's a sick, sick man.



#13. Hoedowns set to "Since She Started to Ride" are a good way to keep the memory of Chris fresh.



#14. We found a whip that was made of a goat's foot and had a questionable shape to it.



People leave the strangest things around the hostel.

#15. Don't feed Quetzal sugar. Ever. Not like avoiding feeding Mogwais only after midnight. I mean ever. Ever ever.





#15 1/2. I look awesome in women's sunglasses.



#16. Kentaro is a cool guy. Just wanted to say that. And he might be in Chicago soon. You guys should hang out.



#17. Schitt happens.



#18. This is what a Really, Really Free Market looks like.



I brought some things from the hostel lost and found to give away and ended up taking home a tripod, two posters, three books, a strand of shotgun shell Christmas lights, and a small backpack while Nadine brought home a priceless Lucha Libre shirt (which she promptly lost) and a sweet sweater/hoodie thing. All for free. No cash allowed. There were also free foot massages, food, and drinks.

And this guy led a sing-a-long/coloring/quick poetry reading/contest/thing.



And the bathroom had cool art in it.

#19. This is Lida. She opens bottles with her teeth. I'm frightened.



#20. HP sucks. The first day I got my computer, the battery was dead and wouldn't take a charge. I had to wait a week to send it back and get a new battery sent to me. Then within the first four months, the hard drive burned out.

I shoulda bought the Mac.

#21. Jeffery makes a beautiful naked snow angel. Or so I've been told. Wish I could have seen it in person.



#22. Boston Chris has a variation on the traditional hot dog that looks pretty damn good to me.



#23. New Year's here was no Times Square, but it was still a good time. And Times Square has no palm trees.



#24. I just saw There Will Be Blood last night and believe it may be the best movie I see all year. Too bad there's still about 357 days left in it.

Well, I think that about sums up the past month.

Please comment and let me know you still exist.

I plan on getting back on track with the point of this trip. Things have gotten a little off course as I have become distracted.