Revelation 1:1

You asked for it, you got it...

Demand for this blog entry has been high, for reasons unbeknownst to me. It is all a lot of ramblings to me, but it seems to mean something to some people, so here goes...

I continue to think I want my life to be less complicated, but all my actions suggest otherwise. I have opportunities that lie before me for the uncomplicated life. In fact, the Uncomplicated Life seems to have always been there, lying in wait, ready to pounce.

I could easily have a simpler life. Jobs await in Bloomington and Chicago, along with friends I hold dear. Within a week, I could be reestablished back home, all things out of storage, home-cooked meals sitting steaming hot for me in the evenings, friends eager to sit around at night. Even a free room at first in Bloomington with Yo Gabba Gabba dance parties each day.

But let's be honest with ourselves, folks. We all know that wouldn't work. I would soon grow uncomfortable and wanderlust would set in, the itch that never seems to be scratched for this soul.

When I began my trip, I had grand fantasies about attaining the sense of Enlightenment I have dreamed about for years. Turns out, it was just that, a Fantasy. I imagined myself sitting atop a mesa in the desert, lotus-style, with a Great Blue Beam of Light striking me in the center of the forehead, giving me all those answers I have been so desperately seeking.

That wasn't happening.

Instead, the questions kept coming, a flood with no hope of reprieve. Not an answer in sight.

When I returned home in February though, I had the closest thing to a moment of enlightenment I think will happen for me. While staying with Tom and Meighan, better friends than I could have possibly hoped for, an important revelation settled into my mind.

I.
Can't.
Do.
This.

Tom and Meigs are one of the happiest couples I know and they do a wonderful job parenting. They have a beautiful home with wonderful thigs and know exactly what they want to do with their lives.

And that is completely foreign to me.

The very thought of being in their position frightens the hell out of me.

All of it scares me. Life has stood still back home since I left. Well, that's not entirely true. But it doesn't seem a lot has changed.

My ego got the better of me when I went back. I planned a secret trip back home for two reasons: A) I wanted to be able to see people surprised and happy for me to be back around - the winter had been kind of dark for me and I needed cheering up - and B) my friends had offered to buy me a ticket home and I realized I wouldn't be able to accept that, even as broke as I was. So, I went back and assumed that maybe it would shake things up for a week and people would adjust their schedules for some fun.

Whoops.

You know what happens when we assume, don't you?

Turns out the only people to makes schedule adjustments were Tom, Meighan, and my father. But let's be serious with ourselves, who the hell am I for anyone to change their lives around for? Really.

(Clearly some of my selfish tendencies have not changed.)

I disappear for months and lead a life of randomness while those around me have actual jobs and relationships. Completely ridiculous of me...

For the most part though, I saw everyone once, maybe twice. They had those lives to attend to: jobs, girlfriends, hobbies.

Their lives had gone on without me, which is great. I feel like I've lived an entire other lifetime since I've been away.

...time to get this train of thought back on track...

The revelation set in. I'm not currently comfortable with that stable life. It scares the hell out of me. I'm currently a lost soul. The real revelation was that I probably always will be a little bit lost. This settled in at one point while I was in Bloomington and a sense of peace came over me.

Enlightenment?

Hardly, but maybe the closest I can hope for.

I find myself envious at times of those who are leading lives on the other side of things. Regular jobs, families, kids, houses, marriage plans, video game playing, and movie watching. I'm not envious because I want those things right now. I know I can't. I'm envious because I wish those things would make me happy.

But there's the revelation. That isn't me. I've come to accept a lot about myself in the past couple months. And it's not all necessarily "good". But it's me.

I will be lost.
I will be a wanderer.
I will be a rambler.
I will continue to find more joy in asking the questions than getting the answers.
And I just might end up being a disappointment in the end, merely a collection of wasted potential.

There's only one real way to find out. Follow these shoes where they go. I have realized that sometimes it feels like they start walking without me having a say in the matter. I may as well stop fighting it. The river is going to keep flowing no matter how much I try to stop it.

Several years ago I was working at Chestnut and having a bite to eat in the dining room. I was by myself for some inconsequential and long-forgotten reason.

As I chewed away, I gazed out the window and into the field across the road. There, frozen in mid-air, was a bird. By frozen, I mean that it stayed in one place, suspended above the ground, getting nowhere. But not for lack of effort. This bird flapped and beat its wings furiously, attempting to fight the strong winds against it.

I sat and stared in awe. It was a rare occurrence. It went on for several minutes.

I thought to myself, this bird must certainly be confused. Doesn't it see that it's getting nowhere? Why does it keep fighting the stream? Why doesn't it use the momentum there to its advantage?

With these thoughts came a small itch in the back of my brain. Something about those questions...

The bird finally gave in at one point and made an adjustment to its path.

And soared away.

That brief moment had a profound impact on me. An image burned into my brain that would slowly snowball. The itch spread...

Maybe it's finally time to fly...

Really.

really?...