Disconnect

PORTLAND, OR - I've never felt as lonely on this trip as I do right now.

I just was out having a fun time tonight. I met a lot of new people and had good conversation. But right now I feel really lonely.

Maybe I had expectations for this part of the trip. I don't know. But I feel really disconnected right now.

I've always been prone to this. Since I was very young. I can remember living in our house on Hershey, which places me between the ages of 5 and 7, and sitting up late at night worrying about crazy stuff. I would stare at my bedroom door there and become fixated on the idea that "this moment is gone forever." Moment by moment I would think about this, which doesn't strike me as normal for a child in kindergarten or first grade. I've always felt prone to that sort of existential depression.

I have the same feeling right now. I'm not worried about this moment passing, but it feels the same in my stomach. I wish I could spend time thinking about the same stuff as others... or maybe not spending time thinking about the same thing other people don't spend time thinking about. It would be comforting. Because this is ridiculous. Right now I'm wishing I didn't even have the things going on in my head which prompted this trip in the first place. Life would be so much easier. I would love to be able to pick a career, settle on a job and a town, have a family and be content. I'm envious of those that can do this. It's not fair. And I know life isn't fair, but I would love for it to feel unfair for me in some other way. Because that way of living doesn't make sense to me but I don't know which way does.

I hope this trip continues to help providing those answers for me. I know right now this is a temporary feeling. I just wish I didn't have it tonight.

I'm sorry for the bitch session - but while I'm at it, why do I have to be allergic to cats? Or anything for that part? I was as close to being born in a barn as anyone I know. I grew up outside and around animals. My first steps were in horse stall, walking around horses' legs. I spent my childhood outside. And yet I'm allergic to everything. Most of all, to cats. Which everyone seems to have. I can't wait for a night I get to spent somewhere (not in my car) where the people don't have cats.

Oh yeah. And some asshole ran into my car today. I went out to grab something from my trunk earlier tonight and found that part of my trunk is broken along with the bumper. Someone ran into my parked car and didn't leave a number or any information.

Whatever. I'm still having a great trip and I know lots of people are much worse off than having some stupid allergies and a cracked bumper. Sorry for the pity party. At some point, this post was bound to happen. It's probably good I got it out of my system now. Time to cut the crap.

I just took a couple Benadryl and I'm going to go pass out. Have a good night everyone.